Hmmmm

Since my Mother died, my siblings and I have discussed if she "knew" she was going to die. Did she hold on to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, see her sister and all her family? So many things lead me to believe she did.

Dad found an insurance policy that happened to be $200 less than her funeral costs. Dad then found $440 in a desk drawer. Then he found an IRA he had no idea she set up. Dad is the spender and mom is the saver. Mom also had Disabled Veterans scheduled to come for a clothing pick up a week after she died. Did she know we would need them?

I still have such a hard time accepting her death. My sisters and I talked about this and how stupid things trigger the sadness. I get hit hardest at work and while I'm driving. It was during those 2 things that I called my mom the most.

Today I got my T-mobile bill. Dad and Mom both had a phone on my account. As I was looking over the accounts, I noticed the call. The call Dad had to make to 911 from his cell, in the van, with mom by his side. 5:33pm...oh the fear that he must have felt. 15 minutes later he called my brother.

I stared at this stupid detailed billing for 10 minutes and the tears wouldn't stop. Oh Dad, I'm sorry you had to make that call.

I decided today that I wanted to make a photo book for my boys. Each boy will have a book about my mom and her life...that way, they can know her without knowing her.

I found my wedding pictures with my Mom. She looked so beautiful.

Mom I look forward to the day that the memories of you make me smile and not cry. I'm trying to be strong, I truly am but I need more time.