Damn Sneaky Feelings
Not sure what I expected but me and 2 of my sisters both I agreed that we expected this to be eaiser. Why? I don't know. We knew Mom wasn't in the best of health and other people seem to move on just fine but we can't. I guess other people are good at hiding it. This is truly the first close to my heart death I've had to deal with. I guess b/c of that I expected to recover quickly. Yeah right!
I'll be fine one minute and then overwhelmed by tears the next. I just sit and cry and cry and can't stop. It is generally when I'm driving or at work or watch Mom's favorite show...Young and the Restless. Sometimes it just hurts so much and I can't stop thinking about her. Damn sneaky feelings.
Dad had his gall bladder removed and what was suppose to be outpatient ended up as a 4 day hospital stay. That is just cruel to do that to a pregnant woman. I mean come on. His surgery was on a Friday and he was scared and asked to stay the night. Good for him. Sat. night his heart rate would accelerate and his oxygen level would drop when he stood up. Fuck is all I could think. Mom was on oxygen when all this shit started. No no no!
I gathered up courage to visit him Sunday and it sucked. He was on the same floor that mom was at one time. He had this sad depressed look. He asked for oxygen. Shit here we go. I started to panic. I couldn't take it. He would sit there and doze off and then wake himself up gasping for air. He told me he couldn't catch his breath. Shit! I had to leave the room so I could cry. I knew in reality he was just recovering but in my scared hormone raged grief strickened mind, I saw so many similarities between this and what happened to mom.
I went back in and watched him sleep for 20 minutes then I had to go. I sat in my car and cried and cried for about 20 min. I was not ready to lose my dad. Then I felt I couldn't breath. I got mad at myself for being so upset and the fact I could be effecting MJ. What kind of mother am I being to him?
I head home and what do I do? I fight w/Jonathan. WTG Mom! I suck. I hate this. I hate those sneaky emotions!
Dad is home now and doing better. I feel better but still have to take it hour by hour. I fear MJ's arrival...what is that going to stir up? MJ is doing fine. He is breech now and my fluid is still high but he is quite a strong little booger and I thank him for that. Jonathan keeps telling me it's okay when I cry. He gives the best hugs.
Yes, I will be okay. But can someone tell those emotions NOT to be so damn sneaky???
I'll be fine one minute and then overwhelmed by tears the next. I just sit and cry and cry and can't stop. It is generally when I'm driving or at work or watch Mom's favorite show...Young and the Restless. Sometimes it just hurts so much and I can't stop thinking about her. Damn sneaky feelings.
Dad had his gall bladder removed and what was suppose to be outpatient ended up as a 4 day hospital stay. That is just cruel to do that to a pregnant woman. I mean come on. His surgery was on a Friday and he was scared and asked to stay the night. Good for him. Sat. night his heart rate would accelerate and his oxygen level would drop when he stood up. Fuck is all I could think. Mom was on oxygen when all this shit started. No no no!
I gathered up courage to visit him Sunday and it sucked. He was on the same floor that mom was at one time. He had this sad depressed look. He asked for oxygen. Shit here we go. I started to panic. I couldn't take it. He would sit there and doze off and then wake himself up gasping for air. He told me he couldn't catch his breath. Shit! I had to leave the room so I could cry. I knew in reality he was just recovering but in my scared hormone raged grief strickened mind, I saw so many similarities between this and what happened to mom.
I went back in and watched him sleep for 20 minutes then I had to go. I sat in my car and cried and cried for about 20 min. I was not ready to lose my dad. Then I felt I couldn't breath. I got mad at myself for being so upset and the fact I could be effecting MJ. What kind of mother am I being to him?
I head home and what do I do? I fight w/Jonathan. WTG Mom! I suck. I hate this. I hate those sneaky emotions!
Dad is home now and doing better. I feel better but still have to take it hour by hour. I fear MJ's arrival...what is that going to stir up? MJ is doing fine. He is breech now and my fluid is still high but he is quite a strong little booger and I thank him for that. Jonathan keeps telling me it's okay when I cry. He gives the best hugs.
Yes, I will be okay. But can someone tell those emotions NOT to be so damn sneaky???
posted by Momma Jen at 8:22 AM
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