Goodbye Mom, I love you!

I knew this day would come, but never in my life could I be prepared for it.

I got a call at 530pm on Sept. 14th that my mom passed out and stopped breathing and to meet at the hospital. Apparently mom told dad she wanted to go to the hospital. They got in the car and she said, "Oh" and slumped over. Dad called 911. She had no heartbeat and was not breathing. The paramedics did CPR on her and the hospital pronounced her dead at 6:15pm. Possible heart attack but who knows. She had so many other health problems, it could be a number of things.

When my sister and I arrived there were 4 people already there and my other 2 sisters pulled in the parking lot. They whisked us off to a room within 2 minutes of my arrival. I'll never forget the looks we got from other people in the ER...they knew. The chaplan came in but said they were still working on her. When the last 2 siblings arrived (girls that is the boys were still on their way), the doctor came in and told us they did all they could but they lost mom. The nurse and Chaplan stayed with us as we said a prayer. The nurse offered to make calls for us and gave my dad a hug. My dad, the rock. So strong and so wonderful. He is alone now. He lost the love of his life. He spent 50 years with her and now she is gone.

I always heard people talk about numbness but never really understood it. I have lost aunts, uncles and grandparents but no one close to me. I mean, I was young when my grandparents died. It doesn't seem real. My mom, my friend, will never hold my newest son nor will he ever know her. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing.

Jonathan is a doll. He keeps hugging me and telling me it's okay and not to cry. Jason has no idea how to help me, and I don't know what I need...other than my mom for one more chance to say goodbye. It hurts so fucking bad. I don't know how I am suppose to feel. How do I tell people and how do I go on with regular stuff? I know I'll be fine but my God it hurts.

Mom is in a better place. No oxygen tubes, no insulin injections, no pills to take everyday and she can eat whatever she wants. She is with my grandparents and her sister that she loved so much. She has my 2 little angels with her. I can see mom smiling and back to her old self. Looking down and saying we need to stay strong. She will watch over the baby inside me and make sure he arrives safely in my arms.

Mom, I love you more than words can say. I love your imperfections and the woman that you made me. I hope you know the love I feel for you and that I will do you proud. I will raise my kids with the same love I felt from you and the same morales. I know I was young when you lost your mom and I wish I could have been there for you. I now know your pain. Give Grandma and Grandpa a hug from me and know that one day, we will all be together again. Until then, thank you mom. Thank you for being you. I love you.