Hello Stranger?!
Yes I have been hiding out...don't even recall when my last post was. Oh yes, it was on the Monster's second birthday. My little man is just growing up so fast. *sigh* Some days I look at him and think..."who are you?". He is such a joy (and monster) that I can't imagine my life without him but some days I do think, "OMG what have I created? Oh a Monster!". Yes that is my little non-sleeping son!
The past month has been bitter sweet. Jan 12th was the due date of my first little angel. I wanted to write about her/him but I couldn't bring myself to. Sometimes I think if I don't think of the "what ifs" then the pain isn't so bad. I could be holding a new little baby in my arms. I could be at home on maternity leave. I could be the mother of 2 kids 2 years apart! See it is that last part that scares the shit out of me. I then feel bad for getting scared of that. I feel like someway I wished my baby away. I know I didn't. I know that it just happened. Deep down I think that God thought, "Oh Jennifer, really 2 kids this close in age? Sweetie you couldn't handle it! Let me take this little angel to watch over you and JD. I will give you another baby when you are ready!". I can't fight that...I'm not strong enough to take him on. I think he was right. I don't think I was ready...granted if my baby was in my arms, I would have been prefectly fine and happy!
So a few months later I get that lovely BFP on my HPT and think, "YES! God thinks I'm ready! I get a 2nd baby in July!" but the joke was on me. This time it pissed me off a little bit more and it hurt a little bit more! I wonder if I am not a good enough mom to have 2 kids. Maybe he sees my lack of patience w/JD and says to himself, "Oh what was I thinking?". I don't know what his reasoning was for taking my last baby but I decided not to ask.
I found out 2 other people at my daycare are pregnant (the mom's not the kids!) and one is due in April and one in August so maybe that is why God took this last baby...too many babies too close in age for my sister to handle. But is he going to keep taking my babies? I do find encouragement in the fact that I can get pregnant, but now I fear I can't keep a baby in my belly. So IF I get pregnant this month, the baby would be due in October...what is going to be the excuse this time? Will God let me have this baby? Time will tell.
I think I could handle 2 kids 3 years apart so Big Guy, bring it on!!!!
The past month has been bitter sweet. Jan 12th was the due date of my first little angel. I wanted to write about her/him but I couldn't bring myself to. Sometimes I think if I don't think of the "what ifs" then the pain isn't so bad. I could be holding a new little baby in my arms. I could be at home on maternity leave. I could be the mother of 2 kids 2 years apart! See it is that last part that scares the shit out of me. I then feel bad for getting scared of that. I feel like someway I wished my baby away. I know I didn't. I know that it just happened. Deep down I think that God thought, "Oh Jennifer, really 2 kids this close in age? Sweetie you couldn't handle it! Let me take this little angel to watch over you and JD. I will give you another baby when you are ready!". I can't fight that...I'm not strong enough to take him on. I think he was right. I don't think I was ready...granted if my baby was in my arms, I would have been prefectly fine and happy!
So a few months later I get that lovely BFP on my HPT and think, "YES! God thinks I'm ready! I get a 2nd baby in July!" but the joke was on me. This time it pissed me off a little bit more and it hurt a little bit more! I wonder if I am not a good enough mom to have 2 kids. Maybe he sees my lack of patience w/JD and says to himself, "Oh what was I thinking?". I don't know what his reasoning was for taking my last baby but I decided not to ask.
I found out 2 other people at my daycare are pregnant (the mom's not the kids!) and one is due in April and one in August so maybe that is why God took this last baby...too many babies too close in age for my sister to handle. But is he going to keep taking my babies? I do find encouragement in the fact that I can get pregnant, but now I fear I can't keep a baby in my belly. So IF I get pregnant this month, the baby would be due in October...what is going to be the excuse this time? Will God let me have this baby? Time will tell.
I think I could handle 2 kids 3 years apart so Big Guy, bring it on!!!!
posted by Momma Jen at 12:39 PM
3 Comments:
I think you can handle two and no, I don't think your angels were taken from you because you are human and sometimes impatient with JD. Of course, I don't have an answer why either...
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are a fantastic Mommy. But you already know that, you just have to have faith in yourself;-)
Oh hun you are a wonderful mom Jr is lucky to have you!!! I don't have all the answers for you but I sometimes wonder myself why our precious babies were taken before their time. It will happen for us I know it!!!! Hang in there!!
ps I am cheering for you this month!
It's surprisingly easier than I expected to have 2 close in age. Yes it has it's oments and it is certainly busier but you know what you are doing the second time around.
Caden and JD are pees in a pod when it comes to business, disobedience and sleep. Having said all that here I am with 2 so it can be done.
No mother feels like they are great all the time, but we are.
Losses suck but you did nothing to deserve it!! NOTHING!
Post a Comment
<< Home