Bitterness makes you bitter...
That is what I always tell myself when I get angry about stuff. My niece tells me to "brush off the haters". I do try, really I do. I am accused of being too sensitive and emotional so I take EVERYTHING to heart. I then speak/act/vent in anger and hurt and 9 out of 10 times I regret it and feel even worse! Well last month I really regretted it, however, some of it was not within my control but I still felt it was my fault.
I vented in anger/hurt to some friends and I guess it became the telephone game after that. I'm not mad at anyone, just upset that it got that exaggerated and people got hurt, innocent people. People who didn't know what was going on were dragged into a mess and I think left feeling bad. I have no idea how something got this out of control but I allowed it to make me physically sick to my stomach! I also know it effected my cycle last month and that is why I ovulated 4 days late. I can't help it, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I usually try to find the good in everyone/everything and try so hard to be the mediator.
I broke the confidence of a few friends but it was only b/c I was so upset and sad. I never intended for my "out burst" to cause more people to get hurt. It angers me that it got taken this far. I feel I have to tell my side of the story without naming names. Sure I was upset by a few things but after a few people came forward and talked to me, I realized that with a simple new found freedom, people will get carried away as we all do. We all vent about people who annoy us and if anyone denies that, well they are lying! I know I can be annoying, I annoy myself quite a bit. It's human nature. Sure, it went a bit far in my opinion and I handled it the wrong way. I am not good with confrontation so I went outside of the group and vented. Other people were hurt by what I had to say and this problem just grew and grew.
I know now that things have settled down and they were pretty much just going at a fast pace the few days I was there. See what I get for speaking from anger and hurt? I hurt more people, well maybe not me directly. I feel that many people were accused of a lot of things that they should not have been. There was one generalization that upset me more than anything but I decided to let it go. I use to have fun and feel safe in my "internet" home but now, I feel ashamed, guilty and sad. Sad that so many ohter people are jaded by this and not asking the full story. That people fled and that they can't let it go.
I have to let go of my bitterness and I hope that by letting it go and acknowledging the people that have reached out to me and want to put it behind them, I can learn from this experience. A wise friend told me that we can't live w/regrets about our choices in life. It is because of these choices that we are who are. I am not a mean person and I work hard at forgiving and forgetting and if this makes me naieve, well so be it. I have to be able to sleep at night (well as much as I can w/a son who doesn't!). I have to live w/my choices and I have to make myself happy so I can be happy w/my family and not drag them down.
That being said, I am letting go of my bitterness and opening my heart to all my friends again and if the choose to have me then fine. If not, I'm sad for that but it's a part of life and I can't chance that.
Now back to my happy place...
I vented in anger/hurt to some friends and I guess it became the telephone game after that. I'm not mad at anyone, just upset that it got that exaggerated and people got hurt, innocent people. People who didn't know what was going on were dragged into a mess and I think left feeling bad. I have no idea how something got this out of control but I allowed it to make me physically sick to my stomach! I also know it effected my cycle last month and that is why I ovulated 4 days late. I can't help it, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I usually try to find the good in everyone/everything and try so hard to be the mediator.
I broke the confidence of a few friends but it was only b/c I was so upset and sad. I never intended for my "out burst" to cause more people to get hurt. It angers me that it got taken this far. I feel I have to tell my side of the story without naming names. Sure I was upset by a few things but after a few people came forward and talked to me, I realized that with a simple new found freedom, people will get carried away as we all do. We all vent about people who annoy us and if anyone denies that, well they are lying! I know I can be annoying, I annoy myself quite a bit. It's human nature. Sure, it went a bit far in my opinion and I handled it the wrong way. I am not good with confrontation so I went outside of the group and vented. Other people were hurt by what I had to say and this problem just grew and grew.
I know now that things have settled down and they were pretty much just going at a fast pace the few days I was there. See what I get for speaking from anger and hurt? I hurt more people, well maybe not me directly. I feel that many people were accused of a lot of things that they should not have been. There was one generalization that upset me more than anything but I decided to let it go. I use to have fun and feel safe in my "internet" home but now, I feel ashamed, guilty and sad. Sad that so many ohter people are jaded by this and not asking the full story. That people fled and that they can't let it go.
I have to let go of my bitterness and I hope that by letting it go and acknowledging the people that have reached out to me and want to put it behind them, I can learn from this experience. A wise friend told me that we can't live w/regrets about our choices in life. It is because of these choices that we are who are. I am not a mean person and I work hard at forgiving and forgetting and if this makes me naieve, well so be it. I have to be able to sleep at night (well as much as I can w/a son who doesn't!). I have to live w/my choices and I have to make myself happy so I can be happy w/my family and not drag them down.
That being said, I am letting go of my bitterness and opening my heart to all my friends again and if the choose to have me then fine. If not, I'm sad for that but it's a part of life and I can't chance that.
Now back to my happy place...
posted by Momma Jen at 6:58 PM
8 Comments:
despite how anyone feels about it, I think you did the right thing. The truth has a way of getting out regardless. I for one am glad I know.
I hope your step towards letting go will help others to do the same. (((HUGS)))
I keep typing a response and it just doesn't come out sounding right. You know where I stand and thank you for your blog entry.
What a mature post and an obviously heartfelt one too. ((hugs))
Ahhh Jelly what can I say.........YOU are a good person and have so much courage. You know where I stand too:-)
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))) and thanks for being YOU.
(((hugs))) Jelly. Very well said. You're setting a wonderful example and I hope that others follow your lead.
It’s the secrecy that is fueling this fire. Why doesn't someone just set the record straight and let people decide for themselves what they want to do with the information. Life is too short to hold grudges...let's deal with it and move on. I miss what was and would be sad to have it end this way.
JellY I think you did the right thing and I still love ya!! Im glad your able to move forward and hopefully everyone can do the same (((((HUGS))))))
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