Feelings and such
I had to blog again today b/c my mind is full of these strange thoughts and feelings. Is it possible for my feelings in regard to my recent m/c to change so drastically from day to day? I mean seriously. Some days I feel like I never even had a m/c...like the 3 HPTs and the 2 blood tests were all wrong. I HAD symptoms and I was excited about this baby. I mourned its lost but part of me is not acknowledging it. I think b/c it was so early. Sure I post on that TTCAMC board but I don't have a blinky that says anything about my sweet little angel. I feel awful for this. I am in denial or is this acceptance?
I don't want to be bitter. I vowed I wouldn't be. It doesn't mean I didn't want my little Boo but I think I have realized (yet again) how blessed I am and don't want to waste time being bitter. I was angry, sad and scared and maybe deep down I still am a bit but I feel guilty for not harboring these feelings still. Man what is normal and what isn't? I don't want to forget my loss...my baby that I wanted so badly. I know there was a baby, I know I lost my baby and is it okay to be "okay" with it? WTH am I suppose to be feeling? Last week I was terrified at the thought of AF arriving and us trying this cycle. I feared another m/c. I was mad I had to TTC again...this last pregnancy was suppose to be my LAST pregnancy that ended in January w/a healthy baby. But it didn't happen that way and I think I am ok with it. Man that sounds awful! Can you accept something like this? I mean did it really happen to me? How can I feel so okay w/all of this?
I am trying to rationalize every thought and feeling I am having right now. See what boredom at work does to you? Maybe I am okay w/my loss and my moving on b/c I know how fortunate I am. Shouldn't this have been harder? Granted 2 weeks ago I didn't think I'd feel ok w/ttc again but here I am, waiting for AF to leave so I can get on with it.
I just wish I knew if my feelings were ok or if I need help! Hmmm, well that could be a trick question. I just feel really happy and light hearted today. I guess I will accept that and move on. It doesn't mean I forgot my angel, I have just accepted that my angel is in a better place with many many wonderful people. Maybe I am stronger than I thought I was.
I don't want to be bitter. I vowed I wouldn't be. It doesn't mean I didn't want my little Boo but I think I have realized (yet again) how blessed I am and don't want to waste time being bitter. I was angry, sad and scared and maybe deep down I still am a bit but I feel guilty for not harboring these feelings still. Man what is normal and what isn't? I don't want to forget my loss...my baby that I wanted so badly. I know there was a baby, I know I lost my baby and is it okay to be "okay" with it? WTH am I suppose to be feeling? Last week I was terrified at the thought of AF arriving and us trying this cycle. I feared another m/c. I was mad I had to TTC again...this last pregnancy was suppose to be my LAST pregnancy that ended in January w/a healthy baby. But it didn't happen that way and I think I am ok with it. Man that sounds awful! Can you accept something like this? I mean did it really happen to me? How can I feel so okay w/all of this?
I am trying to rationalize every thought and feeling I am having right now. See what boredom at work does to you? Maybe I am okay w/my loss and my moving on b/c I know how fortunate I am. Shouldn't this have been harder? Granted 2 weeks ago I didn't think I'd feel ok w/ttc again but here I am, waiting for AF to leave so I can get on with it.
I just wish I knew if my feelings were ok or if I need help! Hmmm, well that could be a trick question. I just feel really happy and light hearted today. I guess I will accept that and move on. It doesn't mean I forgot my angel, I have just accepted that my angel is in a better place with many many wonderful people. Maybe I am stronger than I thought I was.
posted by Momma Jen at 10:48 AM
2 Comments:
(((((HUGS))))) Jelly
I think its normal what your feeling. Every day is different for me and I believe for everyone else that has been in our situation. Tomorrow you may feel completely opposite. Who knows!
((((HUGS)))) Jelly its so normal to feel how your feeling each day is different in the grief process I remember being exactly where you are and you know I feel bad for not having a blinkie to remind me of my Angel but I thought the same because It was early on (8 weeks) I shouldnt think that way. Trust me the thought of wanting to TTC and not are so true I was scared to TTC again I mean I had 2 wonderful children at home a boy and a girl what more did I need but I knew in my heart I wanted another and so when we conceived Logen it was scary as hell let me tell ya but the feelings of being worried left shortly after as I realized I needed to enjoy what I had and what was meant to be and not deprive the new life the joy and excitement I should be feeling KWIM? Sorry I got rambling. Anyhow anytime you need to chat or vent just drop me an email anytime :)
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